Bitcoin
April 1, 2147
In the year 2147, on the last functioning server orbiting a half-melted Earth, the final crypto journalist at CoinReporter.io broadcast this emergency message:
“Dear readers… we have some breaking news.
After the very last Bitcoin block was mined yesterday, we’ve officially run out of things to write about crypto.
The halvings are done.
The last Satoshi has been turned into a museum exhibit.
Even the Martian colonies have moved on to farming quantum cats instead of HODLing.
Therefore, starting today, CoinReporter.io will only write for people who have never owned any crypto or alts.
But wait — for the brave souls who kept HODLing long after mining ended…
Our time-traveling quantum AI just calculated the probability of reaching the next cycle of abundance.
Drumroll please…
The probability that your stack will explode into generational wealth in the next cycle of abundance is exactly 69.42%!
Yes, you read that right.
If you HODLed through the end of Bitcoin mining, through the Great Crypto Dark Age, and all the way to April 1, 2147…
there’s a 69.42% chance your descendants will wake up owning their own private asteroid, a fleet of luxury robo-yachts, and enough wealth to make the original Bitcoin OG’s look broke.
The remaining 30.58%?
You become that funny story your great-grandkids tell at family hologram dinners:
“Remember when grandpa thought he was going to be rich from invisible internet money?”
So congratulations, you absolute legends.
You’re not just HODLers anymore.
You’re now officially statistical unicorns of the post-crypto universe.
Happy April Fools’ Day from the future!
(And don’t worry — tomorrow we’ll go back to writing beginner guides like “What Is Bitcoin?” for all the normies who missed the entire ride.)
See you in the next cycle of abundance… maybe.
The content on CoinReporter.io is for informational purposes only and is not financial or investment advice. Cryptocurrency investments are highly volatile and risky. Always conduct your own research and consult a qualified financial advisor before making any investment decisions. CoinReporter.io and its authors are not liable for any losses resulting from actions based on this website’s content.
Trump Media & Technology Group (DJT), the parent company of Truth Social, has moved to unwind key partnerships with Crypto.com, including a proposed crypto treasury strategy centered on the CRO token and related prediction-market collaboration. The companies mutually agreed to terminate plans for Trump Media Group CRO Strategy, a publicly traded vehicle intended to accumulate and stake CRO, citing prevailing market conditions and shifting business and stakeholder priorities.
The parties also stepped back from a broader services arrangement under which Crypto.com would have supported certain planned ETF offerings, as well as plans to integrate prediction markets directly into the Truth Social platform. Existing Truth Social-branded funds will continue. Interim CEO Kevin McGurn framed the decision as a strategic pivot toward the company’s media licensing initiatives and its pending merger with fusion-energy firm TAE Technologies.
Separately, recent disclosures revealed substantial crypto-related losses. Trump Media recorded approximately $360.6 million in losses on digital assets and related holdings during the first half of 2026, largely unrealized or mark-to-market impacts driven by declines in Bitcoin and CRO prices. The company’s second-quarter net loss reached about $238 million, with unrealized writedowns on crypto and equity positions accounting for the bulk of the shortfall. Bitcoin holdings stood at roughly 9,477 BTC as of June 30 (fair value around $557 million), down modestly from earlier levels in the year, while CRO holdings remained at approximately 756 million tokens (marked down in value). Some subsequent activity in July adjusted the Bitcoin position higher through sales of related securities and direct purchases.
Impact: The unwind and reported losses illustrate the challenges of corporate crypto treasury strategies during prolonged drawdowns and the rapid shift in priorities that can occur when market conditions and corporate focus evolve. Trump Media’s retreat from expansive token-accumulation plans underscores how even high-profile entrants can reassess exposure when volatility weighs on balance sheets and alternative growth paths emerge.
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